So it’s been nearly a month since I last posted, apologies for that. But as I’ve said before, a blogger with barely controllable ADHD isn’t going to be the most frequent blogger.I’ve been planning posts and writing lots, but I just never got round to typing them up. It happens more than you’d imagine. I want to promise that I’ll post them eventually, but I can’t do that, simply because consistency is not in my nature, as much as I would like it to be.
If I’m totally honest with you (which I will be), my depression is back. It feels different to previous bouts, if we are to compare it to the different shades of the colour grey (I have tried so hard to think of other ways of describing it, because of the obvious sexual connotations of “shades of grey”, which is a bit awkward seeing as depression is one of the least sexiest things in the world), I feel as though a light grey is hazing over my life. It’s not the worst sort of depression, but it still not fun nonetheless.
I originally didn’t pick up on it, it was my mum who brought it up. Sometimes that happens though, with depression. You don’t notice it happening because the slide down is so gradual, it’s very hard to pinpoint exactly when you became “depressed”. Yes you can estimate when your mood started to go south, but you can never ever truly say when it first starts. With OCD, I can tell you when I had my first obsessive thought (possibly another post for another day, whilst I am a very open person, sometimes to the point where my innards fall out, I don’t feel too comfortable sharing those demons with the world just yet) but I can only give you a general idea of when the depressive cycle has come back.
I started to withdraw more, my sleeping pattern deteriorated further, my eating habits were all over the place, and I felt as though I had just lost ‘something’. I don’t quite know what, but I just didn’t feel ‘right’.What comes to mind is that ‘spark’ people sometimes talk about, like their spark was gone after something happened. I know my spark hasn’t gone completely, it just feels a bit muted right now. The tell tale sign for my mother was when. I started to lounge on the sofa that I only lounge on when my mental health is in a bad way. I don’t occupy that particular sofa consciously when I’m ill, it just happens.
What’s sometimes difficult with depression, is feeling as though I’m letting people down with it. Letting down my nearest and dearest by having a brain that can’t handle serotonin as it should. Since I’ve opened up about my disabilities, I’ve had people talk to me about their mental illnesses and their struggles, even people who I thought didn’t think liked me have shared some of their best kept ‘secrets’. And I don’t want to let these people down. I feel sometimes that I have to be this solid pillar, I have done all my life. It’s not that I feel pressured to do so, I want to be there for people, I want to help as much as I can when they’re suffering because I know how fucking awful it is to be in that place. I was my mum’s carer from the age of 8 to 18, and I had to be strong for her, for the whole family. I had to keep up a front to the outside world because I didn’t want anyone knowing about my family life. I had to stay strong in school, because I didn’t want the down right horrible people to know how they made me feel, I didn’t want them to know how much they hurt me and made me dread every day of school. And I certainly didn’t want them to know about my home life because I just know that they would try to use it against me. I had to keep up this front so most of my life, because I felt as though I had no where to be vulnerable, or to feel comfortable enough to do so. So I’ve been used to hiding things all my life, but when it comes to mental illnesses and disabilities, I feel guilty when I hide my struggles away. Maybe it’s pride, maybe that I have such trust issues that I hate being vulnerable in front of others, so instead I keep it all bottled up. I hate that I do this, it feels like I’m being dishonest, or that I’m burdening others with my problems. I’m stilling finding my footing I guess, as you can probably tell, being open isn’t exactly second nature to me.
Since the majority of my summer has been overshadowed by this bout of depression, I haven’t done anything too spectacular this year, like most years. I’ve done a shit ton of reading though, which I attribute to my fancy green dyslexia glasses. In July, I managed to read 20 books, more books than i’ve read for pleasure in years (https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/57768976-leah this is my profile on goodreads if any of you would like to become friends on there 🙂 ) and I am ridiculously proud of myself for this achievement. I have been out and about with a few friends and my family, but nothing like I was hoping for. I see so many people on social media going off on adventures and having what seems to be a jam packed summer holiday of fun, whilst I’m doing barely anything because going out becomes ridiculously tiring for me. I know many of you will agree that social media, does not give anyone the full picture, if anything it gives a very warped idea of what the original picture was. It may seem like someone might be having the time of their lives on their snapchat or instagram, but they never ever reveal the whole story, and I, like many others, need to learn and remember that next time they’re on twitter, facebook etc.
So there we have it. I don’t quite know how to conclude this post, because I can’t tell you exactly how things will go. But I do know one thing for definite, is that things will get better, they always do. It has done before and there is nothing stopping it now. I know this won’t last forever, and unfortunately it will come around again when it fades this time, but again, it won’t last forever. I am caring for myself, and my loved ones are caring for me and supporting me the best they can.
Until next time,
p.s I feel pretty anxious about posting this blog, as it feels much more personal and raw than my other posts. I will try my best not to delete it, because if I were to, it would just reinforce my issue of opening up.